Cinnamon rolls

My friend Caitlin has decided to follow through on her promise (threat?) to set me up with a co-worker of her husband’s, now that she has decided that he (a) does not drink too much to be a satisfactory option and (b) likes to run. Fortunately, this set-up will take place at a running centered event, the Urban Pickle Assault.

How could this not go well? The word Assault is involved. And yes, the four of us will be running around the city with a decorated cucumber taking pictures (hopefully nothing too suggestive, although that could certainly be a conversation starter) and looking for a golden pickle. High for the day is a tropical 44 degrees. 

Just to make sure it goes well, though, I am bringing the following things in my arsenal, which never fail to impress the boys:

1. Short hair. On a recent foray into the wonderful world of online profiles, I came across one fine gentleman who summed up his interests as follows: “Girls who are fat, lazy, or have short hair need not apply.” Gosh, if only I’d known that my prospective partners in Philadelphia are still living with the gender ideals of the Victorian era, I might not have cut my hair.
2. Neon orange leg-warmers. That’s right folks, the ‘80s are back. On a whim, I suggested that our team name be the Neon Nerds. The latter word for obvious reasons, the former because at 7am on that particular day, “neon” was the only word that suggested it to my tired brain as a word that also started with “n” and might lead to costumes. As it has. Everyone looks good in neon orange, especially me.
3. The types of bags under my eyes that make people ask if I’ve been punched in the face. Honestly, I’ve just started answering in the affirmative. “Yep. I did. Of course I won. Geez.” (Not-entirely-related-side-note: In the past year I have become obsessed with the RadioLab podcasts produced by NPR and WNYC, as they are gloriously and unabashedly nerdy, and all about various things relating to science, technology, and modern life. I most recently listened to one about sleep, which suggested that one of the functions of sleep is to work out problems and create solutions that your conscious self can’t. This seems to explain a lot about why teacher sleep is not always as restful as I might like. I am still trying to figure out why a friend confessed envy of my vivid dreams. Nothing says fun like 6 straight hours of dreaming about teenagers-gone-wild.)

Should all these fail, which seems unlikely, I could always start with, “Hey, I made 6 kinds of cookies, a cheesecake, cupcakes, and an apple pie in the last two weeks. And I brought you a cinnamon roll.” Perhaps that would be a gentler introduction to my life. And might make me sound psychotic since it would probably come out of my mouth at about 400 miles an hour.

Now that I’ve confessed my questionable sartorial decisions, I will also add (ironically) that I love Nigella Lawson’s cookbooks, especially the one titled How to be a Domestic Goddess. The irony is astounding, since I am usually baking in running clothes with disheveled hair (it’s amazing to me that such a small amount of hair can look so ridiculous so often), flour everywhere, dirty dishes by the truckload. Have you ever watched one of her cooking shows? As a former anonymous roommate of mine said, “Watching her show just makes you want to get it on.” (Of course, Nigella herself claims that was not her intent. ) I doubt the same could be said of my disaster zone of a kitchen and moderately spastic behavior in which I am more likely to burn myself with steam while making caramel than sensually lick my caramel covered finger. (True story. It happened this weekend while making this AMAZING cheesecake. The burning part. In case you were confused.).

But anyway, sexy or not, I do enjoy her recipes, especially the one for cinnamon rolls since it is (a) delicious and (b) the aforementioned nerd in me enjoys the arrangement of the buns in the pan. So pretty and symmetrical! It is not particularly challenging to make, although if you are afraid of kneading dough for some reason, it might cause you to hesitate briefly. They are mighty tasty. Thank goodness one of my delightful 9^th grade advisees requested these for her birthday, even though I totally dropped the ball on making them on the correct day. (Another irrelevant side note for all my adult friends: can we all just take a moment to thank our lucky stars that even though we sometimes complain about getting uncomfortably old, we are no longer in 9^th grade? Is this just me? Oh my god. Am I still socially awkward? Sure. But oh my god it is so much less painful now.)

Here goes. Tasty for breakfast, or on the very real chance that you aren’t going to wake up two hours before breakfast to make it (unless you are really, legitimately making an honest effort to impress someone) whatever time of day you make it.

Warning: you DO need parchment paper if you are going to make Nigella’s version. Or probably any version. Cinnamon buns are sticky. Due to an unexpected oversight, there was a two-inch strip left on my roll when I was halfway through this. However, since I am more than a week behind on dishes, this proved not to be a problem because I still had a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper. Seattle trained me well in the arts of recycling.

My mom makes delicious cinnamon buns, and just uses a French bread recipe for the dough, which consists primarily of flour, milk, yeast, a bit of sugar and salt. If you go for Nigella’s version, you will also have butter and eggs. I guess it just depends how decadent you want the buns. I always vote for more fat if at all possible.

As there are infinitely many cinnamon roll recipes out there, I will not bore you with the details of this one (plus, I don’t want her copyright-ers to sue me. . .). But here are a few tips about making them in general:

1. For the filling, it is actually disastrous (in my experience) to have the butter melted all the way. The ideal is a nice soft, room temperature butter, mixed with liberal quantities of cinnamon and sugar so that it forms a sugary paste that you can spread in the desired thickness. Melted butter = disaster.
2. If you are making individual rolls (as opposed to the single pan cluster here), it frequently happens that if you don’t seal the rolls really well when you put them on the pan, they tend to become unrolled when they rise and puff up. That makes them a little less roll-like and more seashell like. Still tasty, just not as aesthetically pleasing.
3. These look really tasty and fun as well. And baked in a muffin tin. I briefly thought about making these, until I realized that would require me to clean the muffin tin afterward. Ugh.
4. You can add fun stuff if you are motivated, like walnuts, pecans, or raisins. Not recommended if part of your target audience is allergic to any of the things you try to add.
5. Usually best eaten sooner rather than later, which I personally think is true of virtually all baked goods. Not that it’s usually a problem.